Webetterthanthat presents: What’s Making Me Happy So Far this Week

The Night Of: I’m finally caught up with the incredible HBO series and holy shit, this show is amazing.  The prison scenes are up there with some of the best parts of OZ.   Hell one of the creators wrote Clockers and the other wrote American Gangster and won an Oscar for writing Schindler’s List so you know it’s gonna be some serious and smart storytelling.  I kinda have a thing for Chandra the lawyer and Nasir’s mama.  Also, my theory is that the Lead Detective is working with the step father of the gal who was murdered to get a piece of that 6 million.  

The Get Down:  The Get Down isn’t perfect, but it’s a good show and very well acted.  My only problem is Baz Lurhmann Baz’n up the show with his over the top colors and ridiculous characters.  I can’t stand Baz Luhrmann but, hey, there’s a show on TV where all the main actors are black and brown folks existing, loving, crying and being humans and I’ll deal with the over the top dreamland that Lurhmann creates to see us represented on TV, plus the cast is bananas!  

Fall Seasonal Beers:  Even though it’s 789 degrees still in Phoenix I’m happy the Oktoberfest brews and pumpkin flavored beers are rolling out.  Give me all the Porters allowed by law!

Ryan Lochte lying about being robbed in Rio:  He played a sex idiot in 30 Rock and an Olympic idiot in real life.  I’m sure nobody’s gonna care because he’s a white swimmer, with weird gray hair and some medals so the media won’t vilify him or even get to the bottom of what actually happened.  They’ll just say he made a mistake even though homeboy is 32 and should be done making those kind of mistakes.  I tell you this;  Usain Bolt, the greatest Olympian ever, would never partake in such classless behavior.  

New Sock Feel:  I purchased new socks and the feeling you get when you put on your new socks is right up there with your first love and how those dudes feel when Maury says “You are NOT the Father!” I look at my old socks like an ex-girlfriend you really never liked but kept around cause that’s who was there.  But then you get you a new pack of socks and gotta kick all these other side socks out of your life forever.   Then the old socks yell back at the new socks “All he gon do is use you and then kick you out for a younger sock” But the new socks is like “Girl, Bye.”

The Top 5 TV Crushes of ALL TIME!!!

Whitley Gilbert:  Whitley Gilbert was fine as frog hair and the queen of Hillman College.  She was in school wearing pearls and shit.  The epitome of Bougie black girl and that’s why I loved her so much.  She would act all siditty and then just talk all the shit and shut suckas down with one quip.  My love for her reached new heights when she kept talking shit about Kinu, Dwayne’s main squeeze from Japan, even though she effed up and let Dwayne Wayne leave for Japan without her telling him how she feels.  Kinu was cool, but she was no Whitley.  That’s why it was so great when Whitley married Dwayne instead of Papa Pope.  Whitley was always loyal, hardworking and loving towards her friends, family and even the bad kids she mentored and taught on two separate occasions.  I might need to hit Virginia and see if there’s any Whitleys out there.  

Susie Greene:  I absolutely love a mean girl.  Not like a rude asshole chick who would steal all my records and screw all my friends cause they’d all be full of shit.  I’m talking about a woman who has a super bad attitude but is still loving and caring; like Susie.  Susie throws dinner parties and goes to parties and will cuss a muthafuckin smooth out at a drop of a bedazzled football shirt.  She’s ride or die all day!  Plus apparently I have a bit of a thing for dark haired Jewish chicks but that’s for another day.  

IIlana Wexler:  I love Iilana so much.  She’s super crazy, got a big butt and fucks with black dentists.  She looks sexy in a dress, hipster garb or a tuxedo in the back of a moving truck.  She hides poop for friends; do you know any friend who would hide poop for you?  I don’t.  It’s a major plus that she can dance and loves 90’s hip-hop and r&b.  In the Broad City universe i’d be a character named Damon she hooks up with after she saw me sing Color me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up” at a karaoke bar and then she gets annoyed with me because I keep quoting Woody Allen movies during sex.  Then she’d facetime Abbi and make fun of me while I’m putting on my cargo shorts.  Then she’d make fun of me for wearing cargo shorts.  I’d ask if she want’s to hang out again and she gives me iilanawexler@vagina.com instead of her real email iilanawexler@mindmyvagina.com and she throws me a joint and says this one’s for Manhattan and, even though i don’t smoke weed, I catch the joint and put it in my cargo pocket and the show goes to credits.  

Lillian Kaushtupper:  Lillian is a straight up Bawse!  She is vehemently against the yuppie, hipster gentrifiers ruinin her neighborhood and is willing to keep her New York the one she’s loved forever by any means necessary.  And she’s friends with Titus Andromedon?  Kimmy get’s her shit together in season three and baby you got yourself a stew.  The best thing beyond her wokeness is her voice.  I’m a sucker for a lisp and a distinct voice.  I would love a Lillian x Iilana collabo!  I’d die, 100% dead!

Princess Carolyn:  Princess Carolyn is fine.  How Bojack let that slip away is insane.  She is a cat and cats are the best animals of all time so there’s that!  Plus, when she decided to take control of her life and start her own agency without that carrot brain Vincent Rutabaga, i was even more in love with Princess Carolyn than ever before.  I haven’t seen season 3 yet but I hope my cartoon cat love of my life is killin it at her new agency and at love.  

Pokemon Go I Can’t Rock Witcha

So last week was quite the emotional time.  I was a wreck all a week.  Luckily Pokemon Go hit the streets over the weekend. I’m sure, for most, Pokemon Go gave people a fun outlet from the fuckery.  I’m sad to say I was not one of those people.  I’m not gonna call people losers or whatever just cause they wanna play a dumb game on their phone.  I listen to Podcasts at least 3hrs or more a day and I’m sure there are alot of folks who think that’s beyond lame.  Live ya life.  But when you leave the bar and dart out only to emerge and proclaim to the whole bar “I finally got a Pikachu” you know it’s already getting out of control.  And that actually happened at Casey’s Saturday Afternoon.  

Do I get the appeal? Sure, It’s a worldwide Pop Culture phenomenon as big as Drake and Rihanna on tour with Spice Girls and white girls with fat asses put together and people wanna be apart of that.  The mighty American Hero John Mayer plays it so it must be the hype shit.  There’s also the social element.  There was a massive Pokemon Go event at Tempe Town Lake here in AZ with thousands of attendees.  I like to believe there was alot of cool parents with their crazy kids runnin around catching Bulbasaurs and Jigglypuffs together as a family, but I’m sure it was more like a bunch of 20 something drunk and high folks running around falling to get that Charzard.  If I was with my niece and she wanted to kick it with Uncle I’d download Pokemon Go in a heartbeat and giggle and act crazy with her.  We’d have all the fun. 

As much as I wanna talk shit about this game and those who play it,  I can’t bring myself to do it.  If it was a RapStars Go or a Beer-centric game with the same concept I’d be all for it and i’m sure a bunch of my friends would too, so why would I make fun of come people who just wanna have social fun.  So I gave it a shot today.  I need to know what it’s all about. If I see my favorite Pokemon, Squirtle will I get all giggly and run super fast to catch em?

I started the game at 8am before I hit the gym.  When I tried to set up my Pokemon Go account I saw they wanted my Gmail.  NAW Homie!  You can’t get that Mr. Nintendo, but I will make a new Google account that will never be used again so let’s get it crackin.  This weirdo dude holding Pokeball with a yoga mat on his back and some Yeezy black and neon green colorways told me Pokemon are everywhere.  He talk too damn much!  I choose the lady Pokemon hunter cause I believe in equality.  I fux with lady Ghostbusters and whatnot.  I made my Pokemon girl look like a hypebeast but she stay woke!  So before I hit the gym there were three different Pokemon I could get and I grabbed me a Charzard cause it was the closest.  I threw my mighty Pokeball at the beast and captured him like a good Pokemon hunter is want to do.  I felt like the black Ash Ketchum, Cornillus Ketchum.  The tall yoga instructor told me good job and then said I’d have to to walk around searching for new Pokemon…and that’s when I knew I was done.  I have to walk around like a dum dum staring at my phone and not my environs and suddenly stop to catch em all?  No thank you, sir or ma’am.  I’ll just got hit these weights and take my ass to work.  

As I’m writing this in the night time, I reopened the game and saw there was some sort of scary lookin Pokemon up the street and I’m just not willing to make that sojourn to get this flying monster.  Beyond my laziness, I feel like a total dweeb walking around my neighborhood, staring down at my phone for seemingly no reason.  I have TV shows to watch and Pabst to drink.  I’m pretty much done with this game and positive I won’t open it again, just like snapchat.  

I will say tho, I get the appeal.  If I was a younger fella I’d be all about this game; it seems fun. I can see how you could get with some friends and make a day of it, exploring your neighborhood or city and just being a cool dweeb looking down at your phone for seemingly no reason.  If you have a child or babysittin’  it can be a fun bonding experience as well.  I’m sure If I didn’t give up on the game so quickly I’d prolly get more into it, but truth is my anxiety won’t let me play a game where I’m seemingly acting so bizarre around strangers.  But to everyone else enjoying the game I say Godspeed You! Pikachu Chaser! Don’t let a bunch of people who take themselves so seriously to make you have to defend your new passion.  Now use your water type Blastoise to eff up that punk ass Charzard cause Water Pokemon are stronger against Fire Pokemon, Ya’ll!  FYI, My favorite Pokemon back in the day was Psyduck and Wigglytuff cause that’s how I rolled.  Machamp and Geodude was cool too. I even saw the Pokemon movie with Mewtwo TWICE!  Look, not everyone came out the womb cool as shit jammin Nick Cave albums and having conversations about The Wire. Get it how you live and Prepare for Trouble.  Make it Double!   One last thing and imma bounce.  As a brotha who is all about anime, if they made this same game and it was a Dragonball Z Go game, I’d be writing about how I lost my job cause my Freiza was going against a dude at work’s Super Sayian Vegeta and yelled “Fuck Work, This is HAPPENING” as I rip off my shirt.

I Survived Dawson’s Creek SSN 1

So I finally finished season one of Dawson’s Creek.  Thirteen episodes of a clueless Dawson acting like every interaction with a female is life or death.  Thirteen episodes of pure teenage angst that I just couldn’t relate to.  But dammit if it wasn’t entertaining.  Here are the top five most favorite and least favorite moments of my time kickin’ it it Capeside.

Top Favorite Moments of Season One

• Pacey becoming not a total douche:  Pacey was this seemingly entitled jerk ass meathead.  The type of dude who would step on your new J’s and then laugh when you punched him.  I wasn’t a Pacey fan AT ALL until he showed his humanity and actual coolness when he had to do the extra credit Marine Biology assignment with Joey.  I fux wit Pacey tuff now and I hope he doesn’t ruin things in season 2.  
• Ms. Jacobs riding off in the ‘96 ‘Stang:  I was happy to see that storyline was finally over.  It seemed forced and the characters’ infatuation with each other had clearly ran its course.  She was super fine tho and she was even more fine when she told Pacey goodbye and hopped into the 96 Ford Mustang.  My auntie had that car and it was the coldest ride on earth!  I wish they made a spin off of her riding to her new town to start over.  I’d watch that every week for sure.
• The Fashion: I was a freshman in highschool when season one hit and seeing dawson in these oversized Gap sweaters and AirWalk sneakers I just remembered all the white kids in class looking just like that.  The school dance episode was 90’s teen fashion gold.  
• The whole Saturday detention episode:  The episode was enjoyable from beginning to end.  When Abby got the group to play truth or dare you know it was about to go down.  Joey wasn’t ready for all that truth.  Dawson got all mad cause Pacey kissed Joey.  Jen was in Joey’s crosshairs once again.  I feel like this episode goes down as an all timer.  
• The Season Finale was the hot shit:  Dawson is the man for this one.  Not only did Jen sleep over and get all hugged up with Dawson, but it seemed like things were back on track with He and Jen…WRONG!  WRONG!  Joey pulls a pop in with the ladder and catches Jen and Dawson at the exact wrong time and she pulls a mean Forrest Gump and she was runnin!  Of course since Dawson doesn’t know how to break down his emotions and figure it out, he leaves Jen in his room alone after spending all night with her to run after Joey.  I think he made the right call BTW, but he could’ve played it a little bit better than that.  Fast forward to Joey and Dawson layin it all on the line.  Shit got real.  And they finally kissed.  It was mad awkward but I was happy for them.  Dawson still a straight savage for leaving Jen up there AFTER her grandpa just died.  I also felt bad for Pacey after his asshole brother gave him the what for, for seemingly no reason.  Loose ends seem to be tied without sacrificing the momentum of the story and that’s a mark of a truly great show.  

 

Least Favorite Moments of Season One:

• The Recasting of Joey’s sister Bessie’s Boyfriend Bodie:  The pilot had me amped up!  Not only did Joey’s sister have a black boyfriend but he was a cool, dark skinned brotha just kickin it like it was just life.  I thought it was pretty dope.  I guess the WB and perhaps the audience didn’t think it was so dope because next thing I know Dawson’s Creek pulled the ol’ Aunt Viv switcheroo and got an unassuming, bland cheesy version of a brotha by episode 3!  Needless to say I was pretty bummed out mainly because the original actor just seemed more like a better match for Bessie than this new corny, safe  brotha in a colorful vest without a lineup!  
• The “Jocks”: Look, in highschool I wasn’t a loser dude who used jock as a pejorative.  I played basketball, my brother was on the wrestling team and my pops played College football.  My best friends all played sports.  Making fun of someone because they were popular and good at sports never made much sense to me; however, the “jocks” of Dawson’s Creek just seemed kinda foreign to me.  Some of my best friends were pretty dope athletes and I never seen them act as rapey, clueless or skeevy as the sports stars who played for Capeside.  I’m sure there were cats who were exactly like Cliff and Warren but it seemed too much like caricatures of the idea of popularity and that’s seemed kinda out of place.  
• Hulu Doesn’t use Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”:  I am an unapologetic fan of 90’s “chick rock”.  That Lilith fair, Smith College sound is totally up my alley so obviously “I Don’t Wanna Wait” is my shit.  So when I had my Pabst in my hand, sitting with my dog ready to go on this journey and…no damn Paula Cole!  Turns out the song is “Run Like Mad” by Jan Arden.  At first I was pretty bummed, but the song is quintessentially 90’s chick rock so I love it now, but not being able to hear the original song is kind of a bummer.
• Joey singing “On my Own” from Les Mis:  It was just bad.  I hope in ‘98 y’all didn’t think she had a beautiful voice.  I wonder if Jamie Foxx asks Katie Holmes to sing “On My Own” and then giggles and she gets mad, runs to the lake and jumps into the canoe and yells at Jamie, “I’m going to see Pacey, he likes my voice.”  I’m sure that’s happened at least once.
• The Scary Movie spoof Episode:  I think if I watched Scream and all those other late 90’s teen horror flicks in high school maybe I would’ve liked this episode.  The creepy dude who asks Joey for directions was ridiculous.  Why would you bring this old beat up ass woman to your 15 year old talk to the dead party?  She wasn’t even sexy; total beat down.  Top all that with some crazy ass boyfriend who’s acting like a crazy murderer but don’t even do shit.  It seemed out of place. Outside of the chat about how Dawson and Joey would react if either of them died, the episode was unnecessary and a total snooze fest.  

Overall Dawson’s Creek Season One is kinda dope.  Throughout watching it I had to remind myself that i’m a 33 year old man watching a show for 90’s teenagers.  The good thing is I can remember how it was at Rhodes Jr. High and Dobson High and watch it through that lense.  Will Dawson get over Joey or will they try and make it work after that long awaited kiss?  Will Billy, Jen’s wack ass Ex-boyfriend make his way back to Capeside?  Will Pacey make the ultimate, non-Dawson’esque move and just lay it on the line to Joey?  Will Jen end up with the football dude?  There has to be a new female student that Dawson will get smitten with, right?  I have too many questions and that means Season Two I’m coming for you!  

Diving Into The Deep End Of Dawson’s Creek

Last week I texted Emily a list of the best tv couples of all time for a future post. She told Me Ross and Rachel should be on the list. Yeah that makes sense. “We were on a Break!” alone is enough for them to be talked about, but then she hit me some shit i’d never ever heard of. Something called a Pacey and Joey. That sounded like some shit from some show from England that she would’ve watched. I had to look it up and It was Dawson’s Creek. To some this was obvious and how the hell did I not know who these people were. Sure I was a teenager at the time, but I was a black male teenager who, although knew about Dawson’s Creek’s existence, knew nothing about the show outside of that Paula Cole song and that all the white girls in class loved the show. I was too busy hoopin and watching The Real World to really spend time at the Creek.
I knew James Van Der Beek was on the show cause Varsity Blues was my shit. “I Don’t wont your life” amirite? I knew about the Fantastic Mrs. Foxx, Katie Holmes, from the 1999 dope flick Go but the other people have never been on my radar…at least I thought that till my mind was blown with the information that my favorite actress of all time, Michelle Williams, was on the show! WHAAAAAAT! When I texted her my surprise she hit me with the “I’m not even dignifying that with a response.”
So now I’ve decided to watch Dawson’s Creek. I’ve only gotten thru one episode because I had basketball to watch this weekend but I plan on getting thru SSN 1 by the weekend. The first episode was interesting and I have some questions and what I hope happens after I finish season 1.
1. These characters all talk like pretentious, yet witty, college students. Even though I spent my high school years in Mesa and Gilbert, AZ I didn’t really kick it tough with many white people. But did white kids in the late 90’s all talk like this or was is just punched up dialogue just because that’s what was cool in movies and television? Dawson is a filmmaker and knows about all the movies. Jen is throwing all the sass towards her Grandmama talking about she’s an atheist and respect her views. Joey is super manipulative and borderline crazy and too smart for her own good. And ya boy Pacey is hooking up with this grown ass woman who’s his teacher and giving her the business and calling her out on how she want’s to have sex but actin scared. THEY’RE SUPPOSE TO BE FUCKIN SOPHOMORES IN HIGH SCHOOL…HIGH SCHOOL!
2. I see that Joey’s sister is married to a brotha. I hope to see more of my man but it’s not called Joey’s Sister’s Black Husband Creek but it’s still cool that it’s a thing.            3. I already know that Pacey and Joey are gonna end up together but I’m curious to see what happens between Joey and Dawson.               4. Does she fall back and let Jen make that move?
5. Does Pacey Smash the teacher? 6. Also, what kind of name is Pacey?
7. Does Joey befriend Jen and tells her all the shit she needs to know to get with Dawson?
8. Does Dawson fuck it up with Jen? I bet he does. One episode and it seems like he has no game.
9. Will Jamie Foxx make an appearance in the background winking at Joey and say “Ten more years.”
10. Will I be able to see the origin of the Crying Dawson Face Meme this season?
I’m looking forward to going on this extremely white journey as a 33 year old brotha. I’m excited, yet scared at the same time. I know this much tho, once I finish watching Dawson’s Creek it’ll be one more thing I can bring up when chatting with white girls. Paula Cole, please guide me on this Journey.

I Got a Question For You, A Few Actually

“Someday somebody’s gonna ask you, a question that you should say yes too once in your life, baby tonight I got a question for you.”  This is first line of the chorus to the greatest, most beautiful song of all time called Question by Rhett Miller.  It’s mainly about those  important questions that come up in relationships like,  “Will you Marry me?” or asking your favorite gal “Will you be my girlfriend?”, or even the all important question, “I love you, so what’s up on butt stuff?”  

Knowing how finicky I am I have some rather important questions for the woman who will potentially become Mrs. Johnson.  All the questions are important, but some are just to make sure we’re a good match and that when she meets my Aunties, Uncles and friends in Indianapolis that she can hang and can love a man who comes from such ghetto environs and crazy family.  Here are the definitive question for when I decide to ask that Rhett Miller question:

• What relationship did you admire more, Jim and Pam, Kelly and Ryan or Dwight and Angela. (If her answer is “I don’t know who these people are…who am I kidding?  I could never love a woman who isn’t down with The Office?
• Would you watch The Five Heartbeats with me for the 118th time?  And would you quote the Eddie King parts with me?  
• Would you be able to kick it at a Hawthorne function and be able to hang with all the loud craziness or would you be all meek acting asking Jessica silly basic ass questions and then hover over me even tho i’m having a loud ass discussion about what’s better Ether or Takeover?
• If i’m sick would you know what I require to get better? hint, a fruit and beverage, but if she loves me she’ll know already.
• Could you explain what a line up is to your lame coworkers and friends?
• If I wanna go to Red Lobster after sex would you think it was cute or would you be all like “I’m allergic to seafood, you know that!  Besides, I’m not even hungry.  I don’t even like that  Formation song.”  Then talk about going to your sisters house for tapas at 7.
• Is the big round orange head joke funny?  If you’re my lady you would have heard this joke at least 10 times.
• What TV couple is most like our love?  Ben and Leslie, Buffy and Angel, Jane and Brad or Madelyn and David?  If she knows who Madelyn and David are we’re already married!
• When we have kids will you be down with telling everyone we’re gonna name them North and Saint?

And the most important question of all…

• What would you get me for my birthday?  
  • A. A mug with a Kanye quote?
  • B. Some tickets to a cruise, IN THE OCEAN?
  • C. John Mayer Tickets
  • D. Both A & C because cruises are literally the scariest thing ever!